I’m sitting here by the window, staring out at the world moving on without me, and all I can feel is this heavy, suffocating weight of being stuck. The sun’s out, people are living their lives, and here I am, trapped in the same routine, day after day. It’s like I’m living the same day over and over, and there’s no end in sight. Oliver needs me—needs me constantly. From the second he opens his eyes in the morning until he finally closes them at night, it’s all on me. Every moment, every task, it’s all up to me. There’s no break, no pause, no chance to catch my breath.

I can’t even step outside for a minute. Oliver won’t let anyone else near him, not even Mark. It’s like I’m the only one who can keep him calm, the only one who understands him. And while I love him more than anything, it’s overwhelming. I can’t remember the last time I had even a few minutes to myself. A simple walk around the block, just to feel the sun on my face and clear my head—it’s out of the question. Every day feels like I’m losing another piece of myself.

Mark tries to help when he can, but what can he do? Oliver only wants me. Even when Mark is home, I can’t relax. I’m always on edge, always listening, waiting for that inevitable cry that means I have to step in again. The idea of leaving Oliver with someone else? It’s terrifying. The thought of it fills me with anxiety. What if he gets upset? What if he can’t cope? There’s no one else he would accept, and the thought of upsetting him—it’s unbearable. So, I don’t even try.

Sometimes, it feels like I’m drowning. I love Oliver with everything I have, but I’m so tired. The kind of tired that seeps into your bones, that makes every step feel heavy, every thought a struggle. I’m trapped in this routine, and it’s like I’m slowly disappearing. I miss who I used to be—just Sarah, not ‘Mum’ 24/7, not this person who’s always needed, always on call. But I can’t think about that, can I? Because Oliver needs me. And what kind of mother would I be if I didn’t put him first? I know that’s what I have to do, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

Every night, when he finally falls asleep, I should feel some kind of relief, but instead, I just feel… empty. I sit there in the dark, the house finally quiet, and my mind won’t stop racing. I wonder how long I can keep this up, how long I can keep going without a break, without a moment to myself. I need a break, I really do, but that’s not possible. Not now. Maybe not ever.

This is my life now. Every day revolves around Oliver, and I have to keep going because he depends on me. But I’m so worn out, so drained, and I just wish there was someone who could take over, even for just an hour, so I could step outside and remember what it feels like to be a person again. But that’s just a dream, isn’t it? For now, I just have to keep going, one foot in front of the other, because there’s no other choice. I have to keep going, even though I’m not sure how much longer I can.